I tried to sleep tonight and I got consumed by my ever taunting night terrors. Nights like this I even think I see them when I am not sleeping. I made myself some relaxing chamomile and lavender tea and sat down and finished the last chapters of my book. "The Devil Wears Tartan" by Karen Ranney. It was exceptional to read and enthralling. I finished that around 11:30. I tried to lay down again but to no avail.
I cheated on my "diet" and had some french fries on my way home from my parents. I watched the super bowl there. It was fun but I was incessantly reminded that I should be out job searching. Which, don't get me wrong, I know I should; but, I don't need to be reminded about it every second I go there. I also drank some Dr. Pepper.
As strange as it feels, the snow outside, though its cold; beckons to me. I feel like I could walk in it forever tonight. My thoughts wander and my head spins. So many webs strung, so many lies told; its hard to wrap my head around them. I have always had a good poker face but now it seems like its all catching up to me. But I feel like I am in too deep to come clean now. Its not my pride or reputation I am worried about; gods know I have none of that left. Its destroying what relationships I have left.
If not for my fear I feel that I would be more honest here. But I cannot, in the chance that those whom I have lied to read it; or gods forbid, I admit it to the world.
My confession of the night:
For years now I have dressed in the skimpiest clothing in attempts to get looks from everyone. I have thrust myself into the fetish scene, hosted and attended fetish parties and flaunted my sexuality When people think of me; they think of having sex with me. It has gotten to the point where ALL my guy friends want something sexual from me even though I refuse or decline them nicely. I try to act dumb and make it seem like I do not know what they are talking about or even more likely I make up excuses. In reality when it comes down to it I am not the whore, skank, slut, and sex freak that everyone thinks I am. I can count on two hands the number of sex partners I have had since I started at 19. Yes, I know that it is MY fault that I am perceived this way; in fact, it is what I wanted for so long. That's probably why I worked as an Erotic Masseuse or a webcam model and yes in fact even escorted once. But that is in my past and as easy as it is to do those jobs or to lower myself to that I will not regret it because it taught me valuable lessons. Like people who work webcam are not stupid whores or flakes or even lowly. They are smart. You have to be to make it in that industry. They are beautiful. They multitask like no one else. Two three sometimes five browsers at once, keeping everyone entertained, everyone feeling like they are special. They keep up on current events, art, entertainment. They are trained in the art of conversation. They are sales and marketing specialists they are creative and most of them are just trying their hardest to make some money to support their lives. Not their addictions, not booze or drugs, not because they like sex or showing their body off but because it is all they can do to make ends meet. Yes the job isn't glamorous or even highly looked upon but so what? If you need to make a lot of money and quickly then it is a great job.
And yes I put myself in situations that I now will just end up hurting myself in the long run. Relationships that I know will only make my heart ache and my mind crumble. And why do I do it? Because I crave intimacy. I crave the feeling of someone holding me close, whispering to me that I am beautiful. Telling me that they love me, telling me that they will fight for me. That they will defend me and fight for me. That no matter what other people say they will not leave or hurt me. I want to be loved. Is that so bad? Yes I know it is. Because I almost always choose the wrong person. I let them hurt me and I don't stop it because I am stupid I am foolish and I am only human.
I am hiding behind walls and praying that someone can see through them to the real me, when most of the time I cant even tell the real me from the fake me.
But before I go on a huge rampant discussion of my inner demons and reveal too much about my fucked up mind I will end this specific topic here for the night.
The music I am listening to right now: Whisper by Evanescence.
The time: It is now 1:44 and I am still wiiide awake.
Mood: Depressed and exhausted
And so with that I sign off.... for now. </3 Till later this morning.
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