Sorry about the absence yesterday but I got strep :(
My tonsils are so swollen they are touching and I am so sore and tired. It kind of suxx. So this post will be relatively very short.
Yesterday I went to the doctor and found out I had really really bad strep and had to get extra strength anti-biotics... which are like freaking $70. Then I had to cancel my school of rock practice and my Councillor this morning.
SO NOT HAPPY!!!
Didn't really sleep much last night either. Kept waking up and moving around.
This morning I got out of the bedroom around 11 and then just kinda slowly moved around a bit. Its a little after 12:30 and I am going to try and eat something now.
xoxo til later.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Shattered Hopes
Song:
Dear Emma-- Jake Herrod
So for a while I have tossed ideas around in my head about what I want to do and who I want to be. The thing I settled on right now is for the past few months I have wanted to take a year long trek across the USA in an RV or conversion van. Nothing fancy just me and my friend and the open road.
So I planned.
And Planned
and Planned
And now it turns out she doesn't want to do it anymore but I do. It is something I can feel calling out at me from the bottom of my soul. I feel like destiny is screaming at me to go and get out there. To do this even if I have to do it alone. Trust me the thought of being alone for the whole process scares me.
A whole year just me, the cat and the open road.
But I know that probably won't work .After all I hate being alone.
So I could go back to school get my mortuary degree and even a profiling degree and trust me I would be so ecstatic. But, I don't want to get trapped in the cycle again ya know. I want to be able to spread out and let myself learn about myself.
So I ended up getting super depressed again. Letting my emotions get to me.
Not really in an updating mood so I am going to end it here for now.
ttyl.
Dear Emma-- Jake Herrod
So for a while I have tossed ideas around in my head about what I want to do and who I want to be. The thing I settled on right now is for the past few months I have wanted to take a year long trek across the USA in an RV or conversion van. Nothing fancy just me and my friend and the open road.
So I planned.
And Planned
and Planned
And now it turns out she doesn't want to do it anymore but I do. It is something I can feel calling out at me from the bottom of my soul. I feel like destiny is screaming at me to go and get out there. To do this even if I have to do it alone. Trust me the thought of being alone for the whole process scares me.
A whole year just me, the cat and the open road.
But I know that probably won't work .After all I hate being alone.
So I could go back to school get my mortuary degree and even a profiling degree and trust me I would be so ecstatic. But, I don't want to get trapped in the cycle again ya know. I want to be able to spread out and let myself learn about myself.
So I ended up getting super depressed again. Letting my emotions get to me.
Not really in an updating mood so I am going to end it here for now.
ttyl.
Recap
Song:
Evanescence: Before the Dawn
This is a picture I drew a while ago and I think it really captures a lot of how I feel right now even. It is not so much that I am depressed... okay that's a lie I am. However, that is not what I wanted to talk about right now. My temp roomie lets just call him "G" for now. He is trying to go head to head with me on some things and telling me I am flat out wrong. Even though they were things I LIVED through. It's like "Oh it happened to you... pfft no it didn't because law says this" and "the law says" blah blah blah. Yah the law might say that but it doesn't mean that it is how it always is. People break the law and stuff.
So yah anyway I thought it was about time I uploaded a picture of myself so here it is. This is me... well all the me you can see anyway. I am still going to try to keep a low profile here. Just in case.
Confession Time:
So I am trying to work hard on making my place clean and whole again. To compensate for the things I hate about myself. I clean the apartment, buy decorations, plan plans and try to figure things out. I know most of it won't happen but I try anyway.
There is so much about myself I hate. More than the fat, more than the lack of hair, more than the blemished skin or the short pear shaped features or the big boobs or the scars. I hate my mind. I hate what I do for a living. I hate having to put my hands on others.
I hate grinning and bearing things. I hate loving someone dearly and then trying to pick out faults with them so I can push them away. I hate fooling around with people and toying with their emotions knowing what it will do and still doing it. I hate letting others do that to me.
I hate closing my eyes and wishing for a love story that will never happen. I wan't the fairy tale or at least an adventure. I want the magic in the air the sparks to fly. I want there to be a bond that can never be broken. I want the impossible.
Song:
Evanescence-- Hello
It seems so stupid sometimes but all I want is all I can't have. I guess women really are just wanting more and more all the time. Yet, I feel like there should be more to life than this. More that I can do!
I don't know.
You want to know a secret? One of my dreams is to rent or buy an RV or camper van and just travel around the US for a year. Just go everywhere I can and meet knew people, try new things and live life while I am young. And it sounds reckless and stupid; I know. But it seems like such a fun thing to do. I am even starting a small savings fund. The only problem is that I don't want to do it alone and I do not know any friends who would do it with me. I mean I tried to convince my roomie to do it with me but she wants to move home and I highly doubt she would be okay with it :(
Plus the upfront cost and then the cost in general.
Well that is it for now.
xoxo til later
Evanescence: Before the Dawn
Confession Time:
So I am trying to work hard on making my place clean and whole again. To compensate for the things I hate about myself. I clean the apartment, buy decorations, plan plans and try to figure things out. I know most of it won't happen but I try anyway.
There is so much about myself I hate. More than the fat, more than the lack of hair, more than the blemished skin or the short pear shaped features or the big boobs or the scars. I hate my mind. I hate what I do for a living. I hate having to put my hands on others.
I hate grinning and bearing things. I hate loving someone dearly and then trying to pick out faults with them so I can push them away. I hate fooling around with people and toying with their emotions knowing what it will do and still doing it. I hate letting others do that to me.
I hate closing my eyes and wishing for a love story that will never happen. I wan't the fairy tale or at least an adventure. I want the magic in the air the sparks to fly. I want there to be a bond that can never be broken. I want the impossible.
Song:
Evanescence-- Hello
It seems so stupid sometimes but all I want is all I can't have. I guess women really are just wanting more and more all the time. Yet, I feel like there should be more to life than this. More that I can do!
I don't know.
You want to know a secret? One of my dreams is to rent or buy an RV or camper van and just travel around the US for a year. Just go everywhere I can and meet knew people, try new things and live life while I am young. And it sounds reckless and stupid; I know. But it seems like such a fun thing to do. I am even starting a small savings fund. The only problem is that I don't want to do it alone and I do not know any friends who would do it with me. I mean I tried to convince my roomie to do it with me but she wants to move home and I highly doubt she would be okay with it :(
Plus the upfront cost and then the cost in general.
Well that is it for now.
xoxo til later
Monday, February 18, 2013
Complications
It has been a while. My last update was the 10th of February. Not by choice mind you. We had some more complications.
Otep--"Ghost Flowers"
We finally got the internet working properly but then we had my computer crash and the next day my roommates laptop stopped working. I swear its like a voodoo curse of bad luck with internet.
Well anyway, Garrett ended up staying with us. $100 for a couple weeks. Not too bad. So far so good. He seems pretty chillax and he loves video games.
We had a party of the 15th for Abby's birthday and a "Valentine's Party." It was epic I had a bunch of my friends there and we knocked back shots and drank and partied. One of my friends brought his DJ stuff and rocked out Industrial Rave music for the majority of the night. My roomie and our friends Sid and Cori dressed in leg warmers, mini skirts and rave gear. We had a lot of fun and rocked out the whole night.
There ended up being some drama. Sid had a huuge crush on a guy I ended up fooling around with. It was a bit dramatic and there was booze involved but all in all that ended smoothly. Ryan ended up puking in the bathroom which was grooooooooss. Garrett sat on a glass lantern which was kinda sucky but he is paying us back for it.
This dude Josh who used to live with us was being a TOTAL douche! He texted me with a random number and was being a fucking asshole and he is now like hahaha it was just a joke relax and can't understand why I am pissed at him .Now he is pressing the subject despite my telling him to drop it. It doesn't really matter he is such a douchebag. He consisitantly tried to break me and my roomie up while he stayed with us. And he said he would get a job but never did.
Otep-- Buried Alive
We finally paid all our rent today and now have 2 weeks to pay next months. Siiigh.
I took my roomie out for her 21st birthday. We went to AMC and watched Warm Bodies and Beautiful Creatures. Both movies were fantastic. We had pizza, popcorn, drinks and sooo much fun.
Both movies were epic! Warm bodies was hilarious and Beautiful Creatures was the weirdest love story. We then went to TGIF and my roomie had a Margarita. It was fun all in all. But expensive!!!
Today I think our friend Steve is coming over and doing hookah but I am not sure really. But anyway I have to head out. I will update later.
xoxo
Otep--"Ghost Flowers"
We finally got the internet working properly but then we had my computer crash and the next day my roommates laptop stopped working. I swear its like a voodoo curse of bad luck with internet.
Well anyway, Garrett ended up staying with us. $100 for a couple weeks. Not too bad. So far so good. He seems pretty chillax and he loves video games.
We had a party of the 15th for Abby's birthday and a "Valentine's Party." It was epic I had a bunch of my friends there and we knocked back shots and drank and partied. One of my friends brought his DJ stuff and rocked out Industrial Rave music for the majority of the night. My roomie and our friends Sid and Cori dressed in leg warmers, mini skirts and rave gear. We had a lot of fun and rocked out the whole night.
There ended up being some drama. Sid had a huuge crush on a guy I ended up fooling around with. It was a bit dramatic and there was booze involved but all in all that ended smoothly. Ryan ended up puking in the bathroom which was grooooooooss. Garrett sat on a glass lantern which was kinda sucky but he is paying us back for it.
This dude Josh who used to live with us was being a TOTAL douche! He texted me with a random number and was being a fucking asshole and he is now like hahaha it was just a joke relax and can't understand why I am pissed at him .Now he is pressing the subject despite my telling him to drop it. It doesn't really matter he is such a douchebag. He consisitantly tried to break me and my roomie up while he stayed with us. And he said he would get a job but never did.
Otep-- Buried Alive
We finally paid all our rent today and now have 2 weeks to pay next months. Siiigh.
I took my roomie out for her 21st birthday. We went to AMC and watched Warm Bodies and Beautiful Creatures. Both movies were fantastic. We had pizza, popcorn, drinks and sooo much fun.
Today I think our friend Steve is coming over and doing hookah but I am not sure really. But anyway I have to head out. I will update later.
xoxo
Sunday, February 10, 2013
I speak in verses...
Listening to: Otep--Seduce and Destroy
So today was a bit of a mess. I am sick with the cold or something so sleeping last night did not work out so well. In fact, I kept waking up but I had some sort of epic dream about Skyrim. Not really sure what it was about but it seemed epic at the time.
When I did get up this morning, err rather afternoon, I had to get ready really fast and prep for my friend Rachel coming over. Her brother Garrett is staying with us for a few weeks and my roomie and I wanted to meet him. He seems pretty cool. Let's hope he works out better than our 3 previous roomie attempts.
1)-- Leah the old apartment. She was iffy and a bit off. She was supposed to pay her part of rent and then never came up with it and sold drugs out of the apartment so we kicked her out.
2)-- Josh first Roomie at this place. He had some weird obsessive love for me and was a satanist. He tried incessantly to break me and my roomie up and did weird rituals at our apartment. (satanic things of sort) which is bad and insulted my roomie a lot and we finally just got rid of him.
3) Frank and Meghan. A really nice married couple. They lied to me though about having jobs. We told them they could stay for free but they had to do chores and Meghan never did any and complain ALL the time. Frank was pretty cool though. They left one day without warning or notice.
So ya bad experiences. I am hoping this new experience won't be so bad.
After Garret and Rachel left I rushed to get ready and head over to my parents house for my Mom's official birthday dinner. It was pretty fun minus the hounding, lecturing and yelling at me about getting a job. It's like they think that just cuz they yell at me I am going to somehow magically get a job.
I practiced my new song for Rock 101 today. It is called "Brain Stew" and it is by Green Day. A pretty easy song. It was kind of fun :3
I got home from dinner and I walked in the bathroom and saw a shadow on the toilet rim and I turned my light on and the cat freaked and fell in the toilet. That was pretty funny!! xD
Other than that I just pretty much picked up a little, talked to my roomie and updated the blog. A kind of uneventful day.
Confession of the Day:
There are times were I let my past kind of define who I am and I hate that. Just because I had a shitty past does not mean I should use that as a crutch :[
Things that suck that happened to me before I was six:
Anyway tomorrow Garret is supposed to move in with us so I guess we will see how that goes. Til later.
xoxo
So today was a bit of a mess. I am sick with the cold or something so sleeping last night did not work out so well. In fact, I kept waking up but I had some sort of epic dream about Skyrim. Not really sure what it was about but it seemed epic at the time.
When I did get up this morning, err rather afternoon, I had to get ready really fast and prep for my friend Rachel coming over. Her brother Garrett is staying with us for a few weeks and my roomie and I wanted to meet him. He seems pretty cool. Let's hope he works out better than our 3 previous roomie attempts.
1)-- Leah the old apartment. She was iffy and a bit off. She was supposed to pay her part of rent and then never came up with it and sold drugs out of the apartment so we kicked her out.
2)-- Josh first Roomie at this place. He had some weird obsessive love for me and was a satanist. He tried incessantly to break me and my roomie up and did weird rituals at our apartment. (satanic things of sort) which is bad and insulted my roomie a lot and we finally just got rid of him.
3) Frank and Meghan. A really nice married couple. They lied to me though about having jobs. We told them they could stay for free but they had to do chores and Meghan never did any and complain ALL the time. Frank was pretty cool though. They left one day without warning or notice.
So ya bad experiences. I am hoping this new experience won't be so bad.
After Garret and Rachel left I rushed to get ready and head over to my parents house for my Mom's official birthday dinner. It was pretty fun minus the hounding, lecturing and yelling at me about getting a job. It's like they think that just cuz they yell at me I am going to somehow magically get a job.
I practiced my new song for Rock 101 today. It is called "Brain Stew" and it is by Green Day. A pretty easy song. It was kind of fun :3
I got home from dinner and I walked in the bathroom and saw a shadow on the toilet rim and I turned my light on and the cat freaked and fell in the toilet. That was pretty funny!! xD
Other than that I just pretty much picked up a little, talked to my roomie and updated the blog. A kind of uneventful day.
Confession of the Day:
There are times were I let my past kind of define who I am and I hate that. Just because I had a shitty past does not mean I should use that as a crutch :[
Things that suck that happened to me before I was six:
- Raped repeatedly by my biological grandfather
- physically abused
- didnt learn to speak til i was 6
- shot a gun off... (hurt someone?)
- took care of my infant brother
- around drugs and drinking constantly
- busted my head open on a speaker
- got thrown THROUGH the tv screen (tube tv... old school one)
- nearly drowned in a pool
- tried to commit suicide
- put under suicide watch in a behavioral health facility
- got taken from my biological family and put into foster care
- got sexually assaulted by multiple people
- pushed a neighborhood girl into a lake that had snakes in it
- had to skin a pig because I was 'bad'
- got abandoned at stores
- walked over 20 miles down a highway road to try to get away
- had to hide in vents with my baby brother to save us from abuse
- forced to watch or hide in the closet while my mother had sex with people
- moved around a LOT
- forced to live in a closet at my grandparents house
That is just a recap of the things that happened. And yes, I understand it is a LOT but at the same time I also know it should not define me. I should make it go away. But at night it is all I see in my dreams, all I feel. Night time is the worst for me. I feel alone and scared and I can't make the voices or the images go away. It is a time I just want someone to hold me and whisper "I love you" and "I will protect you" in my ear. I feel so insecure, alone and in pain at night it seems like staying awake is the better idea. :(
Anyway tomorrow Garret is supposed to move in with us so I guess we will see how that goes. Til later.
xoxo
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Bat eyes
Good morning guys and gals. Today is Friday and it is 11:44. I have been up for a little over an hour now. Last night was kind of restless and annoying. I tossed and turned and barely slept but I guess I am not soo exhausted.
Today is my moms birthday party... her birthday is tomorrow though...anyway I will have to get ready for that shortly so I can not be on for too long.
Song: Brain Stew--Greenday
I am sick too. I have a cold or head cold I am not sure but it succks. Especially because this week I am supposed to learn a new song for Rock 101. :[
Last night I watched "Hotel Transylvania" and "Rock of Ages" with my roomie. I love Hotel Transylvania it is so cute!! The story is kind of sad at times but hilarious at others especially when the dad rage fits. But it is all about a father trying his best to protect his daughter and learning that despite all his efforts he is just hurting her and then there are some side stories but that is spoilers.
and then the cutest and most memorable part is the bat eyes.
It is so cute when she does the bat eye face that your just like "awwwwww"
Then came rock of ages which is why I fell in love with Stacee Jaxx. He is so hot. (I refuse to admit liking the actor because Tom Cruise scares me and it is against my morals to like him.) The singing and everything. Dear god was it great.
But yah today is moms bday party so no confession till I get home x3
Talk to you guys then.
xoxo
Today is my moms birthday party... her birthday is tomorrow though...anyway I will have to get ready for that shortly so I can not be on for too long.
Song: Brain Stew--Greenday
Last night I watched "Hotel Transylvania" and "Rock of Ages" with my roomie. I love Hotel Transylvania it is so cute!! The story is kind of sad at times but hilarious at others especially when the dad rage fits. But it is all about a father trying his best to protect his daughter and learning that despite all his efforts he is just hurting her and then there are some side stories but that is spoilers.
Then came rock of ages which is why I fell in love with Stacee Jaxx. He is so hot. (I refuse to admit liking the actor because Tom Cruise scares me and it is against my morals to like him.) The singing and everything. Dear god was it great.
But yah today is moms bday party so no confession till I get home x3
Talk to you guys then.
xoxo
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Update
I didn't mean to vanish for a couple days but our internet stopped working :( At&t suxx. We ended up getting a Verizon HotSpot but it doesn't work for gaming and the like so we had to wait on Comcast to come in and install this internet.
Small recap:
Tuesday-- Got up a little late and had some job interviews. I joined curves. I am trying everything I can to loose the weight!! I also got my sensa in the mail. I tried it out and it seems to work. (Maybe its all in my mind) I watched my one of my favorite cutesy anime's. Full moon Wo Sageshite.
It was so cute and I cried sooo much towards the end. Then I went to my parents for dinner and listened to their nagging about job, my apartment, life and court stuff.
Before you think I am a bad seed. The court is NOT for trouble. Its to try and get a resolution to a car accident where I am the one who got rear ended and the girl is trying to claim that it is somehow my fault! Weird right??
Wednesday:
Worked a bit and got some things out of the way (mostly cleaning!!) Then went to Curves for my first workout session and training tutorial. It was not that complicated and the people were nice so I felt so much better about myself! :] Then I headed off to The School of Rock. I had guitar and vocal lessons for my Rock 101 class. I tried the power cords and got a little disgruntled at the fact that I couldn't get my fingers to move properly. (I broke my thumb in Jui Jutsu a couple years back and my knuckle is on the wrong side of my hand and the tendon is wrapped around the joint so it hurts when I move it certain ways.) After guitar I went to vocal and I tanked at Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana and I got really angry at myself and just let loose for Helter Skelter and my teacher was so impressed with me that it was the first time we didn't stop during the song to correct me and there were even people listening in on my practice in the hallway!! :DDD He then is trying to get me to start singing Brain Stew by Green Day. I am excited at learning the song.
Today:
Got up and headed over to my psychologist's office at 10. My roomie had to drive me because my car's check engine light turned on yesterday. We got there and my therapist and I went to Starbuck's and got coffee... well I got a Tazo Chai Tea Latte because I do not like their straight coffee. It is too burnt and bitter for me. (Plus I am a Carribou die hard fan.) We got home around noon and straightened up the apartment. Comcast came over around 1:30 and set up my awesome fast and new internet. Our friend Simon then came over and we hung out while my roomie went to work talking about Skyrim which will steal my life someday. I will include a picture in case you do not know what it is.
It is a truly fun game but my friend is taking the dragon language to a whole new level. He even learned it!! I then checked up on my favorite Yaoi webcomics.
Teahouse
Starfighter
I also checked on Deviantart at one of my favorite Yuri/BDSM comics.
Sunstone
Check out that link if you like BDSM and fun stories!! :]
Anyway, then my roomie came home and it snowed like a ZILLION inches. She made it home safe and we got pizza to celebrate.
Okay now to the confession time:
I have been really down and depressed lately. A mix of me hating my body and myself. I wish I could just disappear and start over somewhere else. Where no one knew me and I didn't have to hide anything about myself. I feel like I am trapped here and there is so much I want to scream to the sky; but I know I can't.
It would be so nice to finally live my dream. I want to have my own house somewhere close to the ocean. With a big old willow tree and a nice sized herb garden. A place where I could sell my herbal remedies and ointments as well as crafts, art and jewelry. A place where I could be at peace with myself and the world. I want to be surrounded by good spirits and calm. Sometimes I close my eyes and I can almost imagine it.
A place where I wouldn't do Erotic Massages, where I wouldn't deal with drama all the time, have to put a front and lie to those I love. A place where I didn't have to hide my craft, my sexuality or my love for anyone.
Next CONFESSION:
That is how I feel. :[
That about sums it up.
Well I am off for now.
xoxo til later.
Small recap:
Tuesday-- Got up a little late and had some job interviews. I joined curves. I am trying everything I can to loose the weight!! I also got my sensa in the mail. I tried it out and it seems to work. (Maybe its all in my mind) I watched my one of my favorite cutesy anime's. Full moon Wo Sageshite.
Before you think I am a bad seed. The court is NOT for trouble. Its to try and get a resolution to a car accident where I am the one who got rear ended and the girl is trying to claim that it is somehow my fault! Weird right??
Wednesday:
Worked a bit and got some things out of the way (mostly cleaning!!) Then went to Curves for my first workout session and training tutorial. It was not that complicated and the people were nice so I felt so much better about myself! :] Then I headed off to The School of Rock. I had guitar and vocal lessons for my Rock 101 class. I tried the power cords and got a little disgruntled at the fact that I couldn't get my fingers to move properly. (I broke my thumb in Jui Jutsu a couple years back and my knuckle is on the wrong side of my hand and the tendon is wrapped around the joint so it hurts when I move it certain ways.) After guitar I went to vocal and I tanked at Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana and I got really angry at myself and just let loose for Helter Skelter and my teacher was so impressed with me that it was the first time we didn't stop during the song to correct me and there were even people listening in on my practice in the hallway!! :DDD He then is trying to get me to start singing Brain Stew by Green Day. I am excited at learning the song.
Today:
Got up and headed over to my psychologist's office at 10. My roomie had to drive me because my car's check engine light turned on yesterday. We got there and my therapist and I went to Starbuck's and got coffee... well I got a Tazo Chai Tea Latte because I do not like their straight coffee. It is too burnt and bitter for me. (Plus I am a Carribou die hard fan.) We got home around noon and straightened up the apartment. Comcast came over around 1:30 and set up my awesome fast and new internet. Our friend Simon then came over and we hung out while my roomie went to work talking about Skyrim which will steal my life someday. I will include a picture in case you do not know what it is.
Teahouse
Starfighter
I also checked on Deviantart at one of my favorite Yuri/BDSM comics.
Sunstone
Check out that link if you like BDSM and fun stories!! :]
Anyway, then my roomie came home and it snowed like a ZILLION inches. She made it home safe and we got pizza to celebrate.
Okay now to the confession time:
I have been really down and depressed lately. A mix of me hating my body and myself. I wish I could just disappear and start over somewhere else. Where no one knew me and I didn't have to hide anything about myself. I feel like I am trapped here and there is so much I want to scream to the sky; but I know I can't.
A place where I wouldn't do Erotic Massages, where I wouldn't deal with drama all the time, have to put a front and lie to those I love. A place where I didn't have to hide my craft, my sexuality or my love for anyone.
Next CONFESSION:
That about sums it up.
Well I am off for now.
xoxo til later.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Karoake
I LOVE Karaoke. I went with my roomie and our friend Kevin today to "The Music Box" a Korean restaurant and karaoke bar. We hung out and sang our hearts out for like two and a half ours. It came to $25 each which was a little expensive but it was so worth it and a deserved break from the stress.
I am Listening to: "She hates me--Puddle of Mudd"
I am feeling: Tired and a bit happier than yesterday.
I pretty much stayed up all morning after my last post. I woke up my roomie and got her ready for work. We went outside and cleared all the snow off our cars and in the process I broke my windshield wiper :[ My dad cam and took me to my interview and dropped me off at home. I stayed up for another couple hours doing chores, playing with the kitties and waiting for roomie to get home.
At some point I passed out before she got back and she woke me up about 12pm. I had a couple of bagels for breakfast and had to call and cancel my appointment at 'Curves' and change it for the next day at 1. I worked for a bit and made some decent money. $220 for an hour. Not too shabby right? No degredation, no ickyness just plain old fashioned normal ish work.
After a while, my roomie went back to work and I played some skyrim and ate a muffin for lunch. (Not a super fatty one just a regular plain old muffin.) I got lost in some quests and time slipped by blissfully.
When she did come back we went to the bank and deposited my money into the account and stopped by the dollar store to pick up some supplies. We got cat food (wet) and a few party things for our "Industrial Cyber Mash" party coming up on the 15th of February. I also got some comics to read because they were out of the books I liked :[
I am Listening to: "She hates me--Puddle of Mudd"
I am feeling: Tired and a bit happier than yesterday.
I pretty much stayed up all morning after my last post. I woke up my roomie and got her ready for work. We went outside and cleared all the snow off our cars and in the process I broke my windshield wiper :[ My dad cam and took me to my interview and dropped me off at home. I stayed up for another couple hours doing chores, playing with the kitties and waiting for roomie to get home.
At some point I passed out before she got back and she woke me up about 12pm. I had a couple of bagels for breakfast and had to call and cancel my appointment at 'Curves' and change it for the next day at 1. I worked for a bit and made some decent money. $220 for an hour. Not too shabby right? No degredation, no ickyness just plain old fashioned normal ish work.
After a while, my roomie went back to work and I played some skyrim and ate a muffin for lunch. (Not a super fatty one just a regular plain old muffin.) I got lost in some quests and time slipped by blissfully.
When she did come back we went to the bank and deposited my money into the account and stopped by the dollar store to pick up some supplies. We got cat food (wet) and a few party things for our "Industrial Cyber Mash" party coming up on the 15th of February. I also got some comics to read because they were out of the books I liked :[
I will admit I am a total nerd. I love The Guild, Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, Serenity, Firefly, Dr. Who, Video Games, Sci-fi and fantasy novels, Vampire the Masqurade, Dungeons and Dragons, etc. But I usually don't let that classify me because I also like to rave out, rock out, cosplay, listen to opera, watch romance movies, read Stephen King and so much more.
Annnyway off topic.. :P
But yah after we got back dad fixed my car and we went to the Karaoke bar and sang our hearts away. I was sad because even the songs I knew really well sounded weird except for Nirvana's "Smells like teen spirit'' and the beatles "Helter Skelter" but cei la vie. (spelling?) We ended it with Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' which was a PERFECT way to end our karaoke experience.
Annnd now that I brought up the Guild I am listening to some of their songs x3 And for anyone reading who actually cares about what that is and doesn't know what it is... its a webshow about a guild... derp.
That's the picture for it right there. The red head is also penny from Dr. Horrible :]
See she is right under the glorious Neil Patrick Harris. *sighs* Why must the super awesome ones be gay? Anyway so the man below Neil Patrick Harris or "Dr. Horrible" is the lead actor from Serenity/Firefly
Serenity is the movie based off the truly awesome show.
Aaaaanyway my roomie and I have been dying to watch Coraline for the past couple of weeks now and we keep putting it off :( We will have to watch it either tomorrow or Wednesday. Which reminds me I have my School of Rock class on Wednesday for Rock 101 and I have yet to practice the guitar or vocals >__< Siiigh I will have to practice tomorrow. I am horrible with the strings of the guitar. I can play the chords no problem its switching between cords or even moving down a string that throws me off. It's like no matter how hard I try or practice it just is not enough >__< it frustrates me to hell.
But hey, I still like it :3 I enjoy the program and it reassures me that I can be good at something.
So to get to my confession of the day/night:
No matter how many people surround me, no matter how much I try to make them like me and make it seem like everything is okay; I always feel alone. Why? I have no fracking clue!! Maybe, it is something as a kid I learned since I had like no friends. Maybe it was because being alone was what kept me sane. Whatever the reason now it just feels like there is a pit there that I can escape. A hole inside me so deep that if I tried to let anyone truly in they would just fall to their death.
Don't get me wrong, I know I am not alone. I can feel the eyes on me. But it's my inner demons that seem to plague my mind. Everyone judging me for something I am not. No one seeing past the goddamn walls I put up. I hide inside myself, waiting for release. Hell I hide the truth from everyone, even my roomie, my Councillor and myself. No one knows the truth. My mind swirls with reasons, excuses, lies, and darkness and there are times I feel so trapped that life is hopeless and then there are brief moments were life seems to pick up and not suck so much.
I long for the nightmares to go away and visions, ghosts, hallucinations, whatever you want to call them to end. I long for silence in the dark without fear. For sleep. I long for human companionship and someone to hold me gently through all the pain. Yet there are times where I hurt myself just to make sure I am still here because the numbness makes everything feel like its fading away.
Anyway I should stop and go to sleep. I was supposed to shower, take sleep meds and drift off and yet here I am still up at 2 am. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever stop creating this stupid endless sleepless cycle for myself. Sometimes.
Til later. xoxo
Low Prospects
It seems rather silly but as I am STILL awake I thought I would write another update. So here it goes.
I will start with the simple things.
The music I am listening to is "Otep--Ghost Flowers"
My mood is: depressed and reminiscent
Now on to the 'important' things. I spent the rest of the night watching movie trailers, listening to music, and drawing. I drew an owl pic for my roomie to cheer her up since she had to get up so earlier to shovel; with the words "Owl see you later...have fun at work xoxo"
I was still up when she 'got up' or basically I woke her up. We begrudgingly changed into warm clothes and I went outside to help her shovel. As she left I had my dad come to look at my car since the windshield wiper broke :/ He ended up driving me to my interview which was a bust anyway. After dropping me off he went to work and I came inside.
I checked my 'work' phone. Nothing. I then proceeded to text my roomie for a bit before she started work I have not eaten yet but I had some coffee. I am planning on making eggs... or maybe a bagel. Not really sure.
But anyway back to the depressed and reminiscing part. I talked about the relationships that hurt in my last post. Well I was going over the Facebook pictures of a semi recent ex boyfriend. He and I had an 'open' relationship that worked pretty well. The over complication of my life at the time and the yearning for someone far away got the best of that relationship and it ended with us being friends with benefits That worked marvelously for a while. I dated someone else and after that ended I picked up with him again as more of my dominant 'master' than fuck buddy. It went over well except him being such a man whore started to take its toll on me. I am not a generally jealous or overly caring person but it hit home with him. Even the great intimacy couldn't mask the guilt, shame and pain the relationship was giving me. So I ended it with him by not seeing him for a while. No words, just lack of action. And I am not sorry I just miss being held like he did. His breath on my skin, his touch, everything about him. He accepted me even when all I saw was fat and ugly. But he wasn't the same as when we were together and that wounded me. Him sleeping around with others didn't help any. Then there was the added fact that he made me cry nearly every time I saw him. I shouldn't miss that kind of relationship and yet I do. :[ Stupid isn't it?
Today is not too busy a day for me at least it shouldn't be. I have a 1 pm meeting with 'Curves' and job hunting and hopefully 'work' to do. I am also going to be reading up on the "Fat Loss Factor" guidebook too. Hopefully its not another ponze scheme. Because I am tired of being fat and even though I am trying to eat right and exorcise I am not loosing weight. Yes, I know its mostly my fault for getting this way in the first place but I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel and look.
What that pic said and sooooo much more. There are times where I wish I could just magically make it all go away and then start over and keep it away. Then at least I wouldn't be looked at weirdly for being fat or called names behind my back.
Anyway, I am going to make breakfast so I will no doubt post here later.
Til then.
I will start with the simple things.
The music I am listening to is "Otep--Ghost Flowers"
My mood is: depressed and reminiscent
Now on to the 'important' things. I spent the rest of the night watching movie trailers, listening to music, and drawing. I drew an owl pic for my roomie to cheer her up since she had to get up so earlier to shovel; with the words "Owl see you later...have fun at work xoxo"
I was still up when she 'got up' or basically I woke her up. We begrudgingly changed into warm clothes and I went outside to help her shovel. As she left I had my dad come to look at my car since the windshield wiper broke :/ He ended up driving me to my interview which was a bust anyway. After dropping me off he went to work and I came inside.
I checked my 'work' phone. Nothing. I then proceeded to text my roomie for a bit before she started work I have not eaten yet but I had some coffee. I am planning on making eggs... or maybe a bagel. Not really sure.
But anyway back to the depressed and reminiscing part. I talked about the relationships that hurt in my last post. Well I was going over the Facebook pictures of a semi recent ex boyfriend. He and I had an 'open' relationship that worked pretty well. The over complication of my life at the time and the yearning for someone far away got the best of that relationship and it ended with us being friends with benefits That worked marvelously for a while. I dated someone else and after that ended I picked up with him again as more of my dominant 'master' than fuck buddy. It went over well except him being such a man whore started to take its toll on me. I am not a generally jealous or overly caring person but it hit home with him. Even the great intimacy couldn't mask the guilt, shame and pain the relationship was giving me. So I ended it with him by not seeing him for a while. No words, just lack of action. And I am not sorry I just miss being held like he did. His breath on my skin, his touch, everything about him. He accepted me even when all I saw was fat and ugly. But he wasn't the same as when we were together and that wounded me. Him sleeping around with others didn't help any. Then there was the added fact that he made me cry nearly every time I saw him. I shouldn't miss that kind of relationship and yet I do. :[ Stupid isn't it?
Today is not too busy a day for me at least it shouldn't be. I have a 1 pm meeting with 'Curves' and job hunting and hopefully 'work' to do. I am also going to be reading up on the "Fat Loss Factor" guidebook too. Hopefully its not another ponze scheme. Because I am tired of being fat and even though I am trying to eat right and exorcise I am not loosing weight. Yes, I know its mostly my fault for getting this way in the first place but I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel and look.
What that pic said and sooooo much more. There are times where I wish I could just magically make it all go away and then start over and keep it away. Then at least I wouldn't be looked at weirdly for being fat or called names behind my back.
Anyway, I am going to make breakfast so I will no doubt post here later.
Til then.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Sleeping
Its 1:08 AM and another sleepless night is going by slowly. I have realized as much of a public blog as this is I am going to act as if it is nothing more than a journal or diary that I write in.
I tried to sleep tonight and I got consumed by my ever taunting night terrors. Nights like this I even think I see them when I am not sleeping. I made myself some relaxing chamomile and lavender tea and sat down and finished the last chapters of my book. "The Devil Wears Tartan" by Karen Ranney. It was exceptional to read and enthralling. I finished that around 11:30. I tried to lay down again but to no avail.
I cheated on my "diet" and had some french fries on my way home from my parents. I watched the super bowl there. It was fun but I was incessantly reminded that I should be out job searching. Which, don't get me wrong, I know I should; but, I don't need to be reminded about it every second I go there. I also drank some Dr. Pepper.
As strange as it feels, the snow outside, though its cold; beckons to me. I feel like I could walk in it forever tonight. My thoughts wander and my head spins. So many webs strung, so many lies told; its hard to wrap my head around them. I have always had a good poker face but now it seems like its all catching up to me. But I feel like I am in too deep to come clean now. Its not my pride or reputation I am worried about; gods know I have none of that left. Its destroying what relationships I have left.
If not for my fear I feel that I would be more honest here. But I cannot, in the chance that those whom I have lied to read it; or gods forbid, I admit it to the world.
My confession of the night:
For years now I have dressed in the skimpiest clothing in attempts to get looks from everyone. I have thrust myself into the fetish scene, hosted and attended fetish parties and flaunted my sexuality When people think of me; they think of having sex with me. It has gotten to the point where ALL my guy friends want something sexual from me even though I refuse or decline them nicely. I try to act dumb and make it seem like I do not know what they are talking about or even more likely I make up excuses. In reality when it comes down to it I am not the whore, skank, slut, and sex freak that everyone thinks I am. I can count on two hands the number of sex partners I have had since I started at 19. Yes, I know that it is MY fault that I am perceived this way; in fact, it is what I wanted for so long. That's probably why I worked as an Erotic Masseuse or a webcam model and yes in fact even escorted once. But that is in my past and as easy as it is to do those jobs or to lower myself to that I will not regret it because it taught me valuable lessons. Like people who work webcam are not stupid whores or flakes or even lowly. They are smart. You have to be to make it in that industry. They are beautiful. They multitask like no one else. Two three sometimes five browsers at once, keeping everyone entertained, everyone feeling like they are special. They keep up on current events, art, entertainment. They are trained in the art of conversation. They are sales and marketing specialists they are creative and most of them are just trying their hardest to make some money to support their lives. Not their addictions, not booze or drugs, not because they like sex or showing their body off but because it is all they can do to make ends meet. Yes the job isn't glamorous or even highly looked upon but so what? If you need to make a lot of money and quickly then it is a great job.
And yes I put myself in situations that I now will just end up hurting myself in the long run. Relationships that I know will only make my heart ache and my mind crumble. And why do I do it? Because I crave intimacy. I crave the feeling of someone holding me close, whispering to me that I am beautiful. Telling me that they love me, telling me that they will fight for me. That they will defend me and fight for me. That no matter what other people say they will not leave or hurt me. I want to be loved. Is that so bad? Yes I know it is. Because I almost always choose the wrong person. I let them hurt me and I don't stop it because I am stupid I am foolish and I am only human.
I am hiding behind walls and praying that someone can see through them to the real me, when most of the time I cant even tell the real me from the fake me.
But before I go on a huge rampant discussion of my inner demons and reveal too much about my fucked up mind I will end this specific topic here for the night.
The music I am listening to right now: Whisper by Evanescence.
The time: It is now 1:44 and I am still wiiide awake.
Mood: Depressed and exhausted
And so with that I sign off.... for now. </3 Till later this morning.
I tried to sleep tonight and I got consumed by my ever taunting night terrors. Nights like this I even think I see them when I am not sleeping. I made myself some relaxing chamomile and lavender tea and sat down and finished the last chapters of my book. "The Devil Wears Tartan" by Karen Ranney. It was exceptional to read and enthralling. I finished that around 11:30. I tried to lay down again but to no avail.
I cheated on my "diet" and had some french fries on my way home from my parents. I watched the super bowl there. It was fun but I was incessantly reminded that I should be out job searching. Which, don't get me wrong, I know I should; but, I don't need to be reminded about it every second I go there. I also drank some Dr. Pepper.
As strange as it feels, the snow outside, though its cold; beckons to me. I feel like I could walk in it forever tonight. My thoughts wander and my head spins. So many webs strung, so many lies told; its hard to wrap my head around them. I have always had a good poker face but now it seems like its all catching up to me. But I feel like I am in too deep to come clean now. Its not my pride or reputation I am worried about; gods know I have none of that left. Its destroying what relationships I have left.
If not for my fear I feel that I would be more honest here. But I cannot, in the chance that those whom I have lied to read it; or gods forbid, I admit it to the world.
My confession of the night:
For years now I have dressed in the skimpiest clothing in attempts to get looks from everyone. I have thrust myself into the fetish scene, hosted and attended fetish parties and flaunted my sexuality When people think of me; they think of having sex with me. It has gotten to the point where ALL my guy friends want something sexual from me even though I refuse or decline them nicely. I try to act dumb and make it seem like I do not know what they are talking about or even more likely I make up excuses. In reality when it comes down to it I am not the whore, skank, slut, and sex freak that everyone thinks I am. I can count on two hands the number of sex partners I have had since I started at 19. Yes, I know that it is MY fault that I am perceived this way; in fact, it is what I wanted for so long. That's probably why I worked as an Erotic Masseuse or a webcam model and yes in fact even escorted once. But that is in my past and as easy as it is to do those jobs or to lower myself to that I will not regret it because it taught me valuable lessons. Like people who work webcam are not stupid whores or flakes or even lowly. They are smart. You have to be to make it in that industry. They are beautiful. They multitask like no one else. Two three sometimes five browsers at once, keeping everyone entertained, everyone feeling like they are special. They keep up on current events, art, entertainment. They are trained in the art of conversation. They are sales and marketing specialists they are creative and most of them are just trying their hardest to make some money to support their lives. Not their addictions, not booze or drugs, not because they like sex or showing their body off but because it is all they can do to make ends meet. Yes the job isn't glamorous or even highly looked upon but so what? If you need to make a lot of money and quickly then it is a great job.
And yes I put myself in situations that I now will just end up hurting myself in the long run. Relationships that I know will only make my heart ache and my mind crumble. And why do I do it? Because I crave intimacy. I crave the feeling of someone holding me close, whispering to me that I am beautiful. Telling me that they love me, telling me that they will fight for me. That they will defend me and fight for me. That no matter what other people say they will not leave or hurt me. I want to be loved. Is that so bad? Yes I know it is. Because I almost always choose the wrong person. I let them hurt me and I don't stop it because I am stupid I am foolish and I am only human.
I am hiding behind walls and praying that someone can see through them to the real me, when most of the time I cant even tell the real me from the fake me.
But before I go on a huge rampant discussion of my inner demons and reveal too much about my fucked up mind I will end this specific topic here for the night.
The music I am listening to right now: Whisper by Evanescence.
The time: It is now 1:44 and I am still wiiide awake.
Mood: Depressed and exhausted
And so with that I sign off.... for now. </3 Till later this morning.
This is me
I am one of those girls who hides in the dark,I am hiding behind masks,I am hiding behind broken promises, I am surrounded by darkness. I am fragile, I am beautiful. I am self conscious, I am trying to hard to be something I am not, I am unique, I am adopted, I am loved by my families and I love my families, I am alone, I am surrounded, I am depressed, I am smart, I am creative, I am talented, I am over weight, I am big chested, I am alive but I feel dead inside, I am fleeting, I am in love, I am unsure of love, I am broke, I am jobless, I am a dreamer, I am religious, I am honest, I am a liar, I am waiting, I am a girl, I am here, I am me.
This is my first post on my first blog. I do not expect this to go viral or for anyone to care; however, I am posting this to write down my journey. Starting from here on out, I will write about my life, my struggles, my battles, my accomplishments. Maybe, I can inspire others to accomplish their dreams, maybe not. However, this is my dream. This is me.
My focus today: Loosing weight.
Right now I am 209 pounds. I am 5'1'' and as you may know that makes me obese. I want to get down to 135!!! Today I had a croissant with sausage and egg and a donut with a large Dunkin Donuts coffee. Not the best start to the day but I am not planning on splurging anymore than I did. I have not excersized yet for the day, but I plan too!
Music of the day: Krewella--Alive
I like this song, it represents so much about me.
Something about me:
Right now I am 23 years old. I have short hair, growing in after being shaved. I have 3 cats. KitKat McKitterz (Sir Pudgington the 3rd), Hazelnut (Captain Fuzzlebutt) and Calisto (Stinker butt). And a roomie named Abby. I am not in school, but working on getting into mortuary school. I just recently lost my job and am looking for a new one. I am adopted and I have a 'tragic' and 'distrubed' past, but I don't let that rule who I am as a person. In fact I think it makes me stronger and I love my biological family and my adopted family. I have two biological brothers named Cole and Matt who I love with all my heart. I have an adopted older brother named Jeff who is awesome and loves video games and sci-fi just like me :] I have my "sisters" Kristin who is far away and I miss, Sydney who is a beautiful and talented girl, and Letha who I love. I am single right now but I am in love with someone special to my heart. He is far away from me and in harms way in the army. I am in the 'School of Rock' program taking lessons with the guitar and vocals. I am struggling financially and trying my best to get out of this repetitive cycle.
What I did today:
I woke up at 7:30 this morning and changed into my pj's and went back to sleep and woke up to my roommate gluing a statue back together. We talked for a while and then I went and laid back down and accidently fell asleep. I finally got up at 2:30 and got dressed. We went to Verizon to fix my internet and then had a bite to eat at Dunkin Donuts. Where we saw an Asian man that looked like Johnny Depp. We then came back to the apartment and she took off to spend SuperBowl with her family. I tried calling mine a few times but have not received an answer yet so I am typing this from my living room on my roommates computer. I played with the cats a bit and fed them. Picked up around the apartment and have decided to listen to some music and work out.
What time is it: 5:44pm here.
Date: 2/4/2013
This is my first post on my first blog. I do not expect this to go viral or for anyone to care; however, I am posting this to write down my journey. Starting from here on out, I will write about my life, my struggles, my battles, my accomplishments. Maybe, I can inspire others to accomplish their dreams, maybe not. However, this is my dream. This is me.
My focus today: Loosing weight.
Right now I am 209 pounds. I am 5'1'' and as you may know that makes me obese. I want to get down to 135!!! Today I had a croissant with sausage and egg and a donut with a large Dunkin Donuts coffee. Not the best start to the day but I am not planning on splurging anymore than I did. I have not excersized yet for the day, but I plan too!
Music of the day: Krewella--Alive
I like this song, it represents so much about me.
Something about me:
Right now I am 23 years old. I have short hair, growing in after being shaved. I have 3 cats. KitKat McKitterz (Sir Pudgington the 3rd), Hazelnut (Captain Fuzzlebutt) and Calisto (Stinker butt). And a roomie named Abby. I am not in school, but working on getting into mortuary school. I just recently lost my job and am looking for a new one. I am adopted and I have a 'tragic' and 'distrubed' past, but I don't let that rule who I am as a person. In fact I think it makes me stronger and I love my biological family and my adopted family. I have two biological brothers named Cole and Matt who I love with all my heart. I have an adopted older brother named Jeff who is awesome and loves video games and sci-fi just like me :] I have my "sisters" Kristin who is far away and I miss, Sydney who is a beautiful and talented girl, and Letha who I love. I am single right now but I am in love with someone special to my heart. He is far away from me and in harms way in the army. I am in the 'School of Rock' program taking lessons with the guitar and vocals. I am struggling financially and trying my best to get out of this repetitive cycle.
What I did today:
I woke up at 7:30 this morning and changed into my pj's and went back to sleep and woke up to my roommate gluing a statue back together. We talked for a while and then I went and laid back down and accidently fell asleep. I finally got up at 2:30 and got dressed. We went to Verizon to fix my internet and then had a bite to eat at Dunkin Donuts. Where we saw an Asian man that looked like Johnny Depp. We then came back to the apartment and she took off to spend SuperBowl with her family. I tried calling mine a few times but have not received an answer yet so I am typing this from my living room on my roommates computer. I played with the cats a bit and fed them. Picked up around the apartment and have decided to listen to some music and work out.
What time is it: 5:44pm here.
Date: 2/4/2013
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