I will start with the simple things.
The music I am listening to is "Otep--Ghost Flowers"
My mood is: depressed and reminiscent
Now on to the 'important' things. I spent the rest of the night watching movie trailers, listening to music, and drawing. I drew an owl pic for my roomie to cheer her up since she had to get up so earlier to shovel; with the words "Owl see you later...have fun at work xoxo"
I was still up when she 'got up' or basically I woke her up. We begrudgingly changed into warm clothes and I went outside to help her shovel. As she left I had my dad come to look at my car since the windshield wiper broke :/ He ended up driving me to my interview which was a bust anyway. After dropping me off he went to work and I came inside.
I checked my 'work' phone. Nothing. I then proceeded to text my roomie for a bit before she started work I have not eaten yet but I had some coffee. I am planning on making eggs... or maybe a bagel. Not really sure.
But anyway back to the depressed and reminiscing part. I talked about the relationships that hurt in my last post. Well I was going over the Facebook pictures of a semi recent ex boyfriend. He and I had an 'open' relationship that worked pretty well. The over complication of my life at the time and the yearning for someone far away got the best of that relationship and it ended with us being friends with benefits That worked marvelously for a while. I dated someone else and after that ended I picked up with him again as more of my dominant 'master' than fuck buddy. It went over well except him being such a man whore started to take its toll on me. I am not a generally jealous or overly caring person but it hit home with him. Even the great intimacy couldn't mask the guilt, shame and pain the relationship was giving me. So I ended it with him by not seeing him for a while. No words, just lack of action. And I am not sorry I just miss being held like he did. His breath on my skin, his touch, everything about him. He accepted me even when all I saw was fat and ugly. But he wasn't the same as when we were together and that wounded me. Him sleeping around with others didn't help any. Then there was the added fact that he made me cry nearly every time I saw him. I shouldn't miss that kind of relationship and yet I do. :[ Stupid isn't it?
Today is not too busy a day for me at least it shouldn't be. I have a 1 pm meeting with 'Curves' and job hunting and hopefully 'work' to do. I am also going to be reading up on the "Fat Loss Factor" guidebook too. Hopefully its not another ponze scheme. Because I am tired of being fat and even though I am trying to eat right and exorcise I am not loosing weight. Yes, I know its mostly my fault for getting this way in the first place but I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel and look.
What that pic said and sooooo much more. There are times where I wish I could just magically make it all go away and then start over and keep it away. Then at least I wouldn't be looked at weirdly for being fat or called names behind my back.
Anyway, I am going to make breakfast so I will no doubt post here later.
Til then.
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