Sorry about the absence yesterday but I got strep :(
My tonsils are so swollen they are touching and I am so sore and tired. It kind of suxx. So this post will be relatively very short.
Yesterday I went to the doctor and found out I had really really bad strep and had to get extra strength anti-biotics... which are like freaking $70. Then I had to cancel my school of rock practice and my Councillor this morning.
SO NOT HAPPY!!!
Didn't really sleep much last night either. Kept waking up and moving around.
This morning I got out of the bedroom around 11 and then just kinda slowly moved around a bit. Its a little after 12:30 and I am going to try and eat something now.
xoxo til later.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Shattered Hopes
Song:
Dear Emma-- Jake Herrod
So for a while I have tossed ideas around in my head about what I want to do and who I want to be. The thing I settled on right now is for the past few months I have wanted to take a year long trek across the USA in an RV or conversion van. Nothing fancy just me and my friend and the open road.
So I planned.
And Planned
and Planned
And now it turns out she doesn't want to do it anymore but I do. It is something I can feel calling out at me from the bottom of my soul. I feel like destiny is screaming at me to go and get out there. To do this even if I have to do it alone. Trust me the thought of being alone for the whole process scares me.
A whole year just me, the cat and the open road.
But I know that probably won't work .After all I hate being alone.
So I could go back to school get my mortuary degree and even a profiling degree and trust me I would be so ecstatic. But, I don't want to get trapped in the cycle again ya know. I want to be able to spread out and let myself learn about myself.
So I ended up getting super depressed again. Letting my emotions get to me.
Not really in an updating mood so I am going to end it here for now.
ttyl.
Dear Emma-- Jake Herrod
So for a while I have tossed ideas around in my head about what I want to do and who I want to be. The thing I settled on right now is for the past few months I have wanted to take a year long trek across the USA in an RV or conversion van. Nothing fancy just me and my friend and the open road.
So I planned.
And Planned
and Planned
And now it turns out she doesn't want to do it anymore but I do. It is something I can feel calling out at me from the bottom of my soul. I feel like destiny is screaming at me to go and get out there. To do this even if I have to do it alone. Trust me the thought of being alone for the whole process scares me.
A whole year just me, the cat and the open road.
But I know that probably won't work .After all I hate being alone.
So I could go back to school get my mortuary degree and even a profiling degree and trust me I would be so ecstatic. But, I don't want to get trapped in the cycle again ya know. I want to be able to spread out and let myself learn about myself.
So I ended up getting super depressed again. Letting my emotions get to me.
Not really in an updating mood so I am going to end it here for now.
ttyl.
Recap
Song:
Evanescence: Before the Dawn
This is a picture I drew a while ago and I think it really captures a lot of how I feel right now even. It is not so much that I am depressed... okay that's a lie I am. However, that is not what I wanted to talk about right now. My temp roomie lets just call him "G" for now. He is trying to go head to head with me on some things and telling me I am flat out wrong. Even though they were things I LIVED through. It's like "Oh it happened to you... pfft no it didn't because law says this" and "the law says" blah blah blah. Yah the law might say that but it doesn't mean that it is how it always is. People break the law and stuff.
So yah anyway I thought it was about time I uploaded a picture of myself so here it is. This is me... well all the me you can see anyway. I am still going to try to keep a low profile here. Just in case.
Confession Time:
So I am trying to work hard on making my place clean and whole again. To compensate for the things I hate about myself. I clean the apartment, buy decorations, plan plans and try to figure things out. I know most of it won't happen but I try anyway.
There is so much about myself I hate. More than the fat, more than the lack of hair, more than the blemished skin or the short pear shaped features or the big boobs or the scars. I hate my mind. I hate what I do for a living. I hate having to put my hands on others.
I hate grinning and bearing things. I hate loving someone dearly and then trying to pick out faults with them so I can push them away. I hate fooling around with people and toying with their emotions knowing what it will do and still doing it. I hate letting others do that to me.
I hate closing my eyes and wishing for a love story that will never happen. I wan't the fairy tale or at least an adventure. I want the magic in the air the sparks to fly. I want there to be a bond that can never be broken. I want the impossible.
Song:
Evanescence-- Hello
It seems so stupid sometimes but all I want is all I can't have. I guess women really are just wanting more and more all the time. Yet, I feel like there should be more to life than this. More that I can do!
I don't know.
You want to know a secret? One of my dreams is to rent or buy an RV or camper van and just travel around the US for a year. Just go everywhere I can and meet knew people, try new things and live life while I am young. And it sounds reckless and stupid; I know. But it seems like such a fun thing to do. I am even starting a small savings fund. The only problem is that I don't want to do it alone and I do not know any friends who would do it with me. I mean I tried to convince my roomie to do it with me but she wants to move home and I highly doubt she would be okay with it :(
Plus the upfront cost and then the cost in general.
Well that is it for now.
xoxo til later
Evanescence: Before the Dawn
Confession Time:
So I am trying to work hard on making my place clean and whole again. To compensate for the things I hate about myself. I clean the apartment, buy decorations, plan plans and try to figure things out. I know most of it won't happen but I try anyway.
There is so much about myself I hate. More than the fat, more than the lack of hair, more than the blemished skin or the short pear shaped features or the big boobs or the scars. I hate my mind. I hate what I do for a living. I hate having to put my hands on others.
I hate grinning and bearing things. I hate loving someone dearly and then trying to pick out faults with them so I can push them away. I hate fooling around with people and toying with their emotions knowing what it will do and still doing it. I hate letting others do that to me.
I hate closing my eyes and wishing for a love story that will never happen. I wan't the fairy tale or at least an adventure. I want the magic in the air the sparks to fly. I want there to be a bond that can never be broken. I want the impossible.
Song:
Evanescence-- Hello
It seems so stupid sometimes but all I want is all I can't have. I guess women really are just wanting more and more all the time. Yet, I feel like there should be more to life than this. More that I can do!
I don't know.
You want to know a secret? One of my dreams is to rent or buy an RV or camper van and just travel around the US for a year. Just go everywhere I can and meet knew people, try new things and live life while I am young. And it sounds reckless and stupid; I know. But it seems like such a fun thing to do. I am even starting a small savings fund. The only problem is that I don't want to do it alone and I do not know any friends who would do it with me. I mean I tried to convince my roomie to do it with me but she wants to move home and I highly doubt she would be okay with it :(
Plus the upfront cost and then the cost in general.
Well that is it for now.
xoxo til later
Monday, February 18, 2013
Complications
It has been a while. My last update was the 10th of February. Not by choice mind you. We had some more complications.
Otep--"Ghost Flowers"
We finally got the internet working properly but then we had my computer crash and the next day my roommates laptop stopped working. I swear its like a voodoo curse of bad luck with internet.
Well anyway, Garrett ended up staying with us. $100 for a couple weeks. Not too bad. So far so good. He seems pretty chillax and he loves video games.
We had a party of the 15th for Abby's birthday and a "Valentine's Party." It was epic I had a bunch of my friends there and we knocked back shots and drank and partied. One of my friends brought his DJ stuff and rocked out Industrial Rave music for the majority of the night. My roomie and our friends Sid and Cori dressed in leg warmers, mini skirts and rave gear. We had a lot of fun and rocked out the whole night.
There ended up being some drama. Sid had a huuge crush on a guy I ended up fooling around with. It was a bit dramatic and there was booze involved but all in all that ended smoothly. Ryan ended up puking in the bathroom which was grooooooooss. Garrett sat on a glass lantern which was kinda sucky but he is paying us back for it.
This dude Josh who used to live with us was being a TOTAL douche! He texted me with a random number and was being a fucking asshole and he is now like hahaha it was just a joke relax and can't understand why I am pissed at him .Now he is pressing the subject despite my telling him to drop it. It doesn't really matter he is such a douchebag. He consisitantly tried to break me and my roomie up while he stayed with us. And he said he would get a job but never did.
Otep-- Buried Alive
We finally paid all our rent today and now have 2 weeks to pay next months. Siiigh.
I took my roomie out for her 21st birthday. We went to AMC and watched Warm Bodies and Beautiful Creatures. Both movies were fantastic. We had pizza, popcorn, drinks and sooo much fun.
Both movies were epic! Warm bodies was hilarious and Beautiful Creatures was the weirdest love story. We then went to TGIF and my roomie had a Margarita. It was fun all in all. But expensive!!!
Today I think our friend Steve is coming over and doing hookah but I am not sure really. But anyway I have to head out. I will update later.
xoxo
Otep--"Ghost Flowers"
We finally got the internet working properly but then we had my computer crash and the next day my roommates laptop stopped working. I swear its like a voodoo curse of bad luck with internet.
Well anyway, Garrett ended up staying with us. $100 for a couple weeks. Not too bad. So far so good. He seems pretty chillax and he loves video games.
We had a party of the 15th for Abby's birthday and a "Valentine's Party." It was epic I had a bunch of my friends there and we knocked back shots and drank and partied. One of my friends brought his DJ stuff and rocked out Industrial Rave music for the majority of the night. My roomie and our friends Sid and Cori dressed in leg warmers, mini skirts and rave gear. We had a lot of fun and rocked out the whole night.
There ended up being some drama. Sid had a huuge crush on a guy I ended up fooling around with. It was a bit dramatic and there was booze involved but all in all that ended smoothly. Ryan ended up puking in the bathroom which was grooooooooss. Garrett sat on a glass lantern which was kinda sucky but he is paying us back for it.
This dude Josh who used to live with us was being a TOTAL douche! He texted me with a random number and was being a fucking asshole and he is now like hahaha it was just a joke relax and can't understand why I am pissed at him .Now he is pressing the subject despite my telling him to drop it. It doesn't really matter he is such a douchebag. He consisitantly tried to break me and my roomie up while he stayed with us. And he said he would get a job but never did.
Otep-- Buried Alive
We finally paid all our rent today and now have 2 weeks to pay next months. Siiigh.
I took my roomie out for her 21st birthday. We went to AMC and watched Warm Bodies and Beautiful Creatures. Both movies were fantastic. We had pizza, popcorn, drinks and sooo much fun.
Today I think our friend Steve is coming over and doing hookah but I am not sure really. But anyway I have to head out. I will update later.
xoxo
Sunday, February 10, 2013
I speak in verses...
Listening to: Otep--Seduce and Destroy
So today was a bit of a mess. I am sick with the cold or something so sleeping last night did not work out so well. In fact, I kept waking up but I had some sort of epic dream about Skyrim. Not really sure what it was about but it seemed epic at the time.
When I did get up this morning, err rather afternoon, I had to get ready really fast and prep for my friend Rachel coming over. Her brother Garrett is staying with us for a few weeks and my roomie and I wanted to meet him. He seems pretty cool. Let's hope he works out better than our 3 previous roomie attempts.
1)-- Leah the old apartment. She was iffy and a bit off. She was supposed to pay her part of rent and then never came up with it and sold drugs out of the apartment so we kicked her out.
2)-- Josh first Roomie at this place. He had some weird obsessive love for me and was a satanist. He tried incessantly to break me and my roomie up and did weird rituals at our apartment. (satanic things of sort) which is bad and insulted my roomie a lot and we finally just got rid of him.
3) Frank and Meghan. A really nice married couple. They lied to me though about having jobs. We told them they could stay for free but they had to do chores and Meghan never did any and complain ALL the time. Frank was pretty cool though. They left one day without warning or notice.
So ya bad experiences. I am hoping this new experience won't be so bad.
After Garret and Rachel left I rushed to get ready and head over to my parents house for my Mom's official birthday dinner. It was pretty fun minus the hounding, lecturing and yelling at me about getting a job. It's like they think that just cuz they yell at me I am going to somehow magically get a job.
I practiced my new song for Rock 101 today. It is called "Brain Stew" and it is by Green Day. A pretty easy song. It was kind of fun :3
I got home from dinner and I walked in the bathroom and saw a shadow on the toilet rim and I turned my light on and the cat freaked and fell in the toilet. That was pretty funny!! xD
Other than that I just pretty much picked up a little, talked to my roomie and updated the blog. A kind of uneventful day.
Confession of the Day:
There are times were I let my past kind of define who I am and I hate that. Just because I had a shitty past does not mean I should use that as a crutch :[
Things that suck that happened to me before I was six:
Anyway tomorrow Garret is supposed to move in with us so I guess we will see how that goes. Til later.
xoxo
So today was a bit of a mess. I am sick with the cold or something so sleeping last night did not work out so well. In fact, I kept waking up but I had some sort of epic dream about Skyrim. Not really sure what it was about but it seemed epic at the time.
When I did get up this morning, err rather afternoon, I had to get ready really fast and prep for my friend Rachel coming over. Her brother Garrett is staying with us for a few weeks and my roomie and I wanted to meet him. He seems pretty cool. Let's hope he works out better than our 3 previous roomie attempts.
1)-- Leah the old apartment. She was iffy and a bit off. She was supposed to pay her part of rent and then never came up with it and sold drugs out of the apartment so we kicked her out.
2)-- Josh first Roomie at this place. He had some weird obsessive love for me and was a satanist. He tried incessantly to break me and my roomie up and did weird rituals at our apartment. (satanic things of sort) which is bad and insulted my roomie a lot and we finally just got rid of him.
3) Frank and Meghan. A really nice married couple. They lied to me though about having jobs. We told them they could stay for free but they had to do chores and Meghan never did any and complain ALL the time. Frank was pretty cool though. They left one day without warning or notice.
So ya bad experiences. I am hoping this new experience won't be so bad.
After Garret and Rachel left I rushed to get ready and head over to my parents house for my Mom's official birthday dinner. It was pretty fun minus the hounding, lecturing and yelling at me about getting a job. It's like they think that just cuz they yell at me I am going to somehow magically get a job.
I practiced my new song for Rock 101 today. It is called "Brain Stew" and it is by Green Day. A pretty easy song. It was kind of fun :3
I got home from dinner and I walked in the bathroom and saw a shadow on the toilet rim and I turned my light on and the cat freaked and fell in the toilet. That was pretty funny!! xD
Other than that I just pretty much picked up a little, talked to my roomie and updated the blog. A kind of uneventful day.
Confession of the Day:
There are times were I let my past kind of define who I am and I hate that. Just because I had a shitty past does not mean I should use that as a crutch :[
Things that suck that happened to me before I was six:
- Raped repeatedly by my biological grandfather
- physically abused
- didnt learn to speak til i was 6
- shot a gun off... (hurt someone?)
- took care of my infant brother
- around drugs and drinking constantly
- busted my head open on a speaker
- got thrown THROUGH the tv screen (tube tv... old school one)
- nearly drowned in a pool
- tried to commit suicide
- put under suicide watch in a behavioral health facility
- got taken from my biological family and put into foster care
- got sexually assaulted by multiple people
- pushed a neighborhood girl into a lake that had snakes in it
- had to skin a pig because I was 'bad'
- got abandoned at stores
- walked over 20 miles down a highway road to try to get away
- had to hide in vents with my baby brother to save us from abuse
- forced to watch or hide in the closet while my mother had sex with people
- moved around a LOT
- forced to live in a closet at my grandparents house
That is just a recap of the things that happened. And yes, I understand it is a LOT but at the same time I also know it should not define me. I should make it go away. But at night it is all I see in my dreams, all I feel. Night time is the worst for me. I feel alone and scared and I can't make the voices or the images go away. It is a time I just want someone to hold me and whisper "I love you" and "I will protect you" in my ear. I feel so insecure, alone and in pain at night it seems like staying awake is the better idea. :(
Anyway tomorrow Garret is supposed to move in with us so I guess we will see how that goes. Til later.
xoxo
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Bat eyes
Good morning guys and gals. Today is Friday and it is 11:44. I have been up for a little over an hour now. Last night was kind of restless and annoying. I tossed and turned and barely slept but I guess I am not soo exhausted.
Today is my moms birthday party... her birthday is tomorrow though...anyway I will have to get ready for that shortly so I can not be on for too long.
Song: Brain Stew--Greenday
I am sick too. I have a cold or head cold I am not sure but it succks. Especially because this week I am supposed to learn a new song for Rock 101. :[
Last night I watched "Hotel Transylvania" and "Rock of Ages" with my roomie. I love Hotel Transylvania it is so cute!! The story is kind of sad at times but hilarious at others especially when the dad rage fits. But it is all about a father trying his best to protect his daughter and learning that despite all his efforts he is just hurting her and then there are some side stories but that is spoilers.
and then the cutest and most memorable part is the bat eyes.
It is so cute when she does the bat eye face that your just like "awwwwww"
Then came rock of ages which is why I fell in love with Stacee Jaxx. He is so hot. (I refuse to admit liking the actor because Tom Cruise scares me and it is against my morals to like him.) The singing and everything. Dear god was it great.
But yah today is moms bday party so no confession till I get home x3
Talk to you guys then.
xoxo
Today is my moms birthday party... her birthday is tomorrow though...anyway I will have to get ready for that shortly so I can not be on for too long.
Song: Brain Stew--Greenday
Last night I watched "Hotel Transylvania" and "Rock of Ages" with my roomie. I love Hotel Transylvania it is so cute!! The story is kind of sad at times but hilarious at others especially when the dad rage fits. But it is all about a father trying his best to protect his daughter and learning that despite all his efforts he is just hurting her and then there are some side stories but that is spoilers.
Then came rock of ages which is why I fell in love with Stacee Jaxx. He is so hot. (I refuse to admit liking the actor because Tom Cruise scares me and it is against my morals to like him.) The singing and everything. Dear god was it great.
But yah today is moms bday party so no confession till I get home x3
Talk to you guys then.
xoxo
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Update
I didn't mean to vanish for a couple days but our internet stopped working :( At&t suxx. We ended up getting a Verizon HotSpot but it doesn't work for gaming and the like so we had to wait on Comcast to come in and install this internet.
Small recap:
Tuesday-- Got up a little late and had some job interviews. I joined curves. I am trying everything I can to loose the weight!! I also got my sensa in the mail. I tried it out and it seems to work. (Maybe its all in my mind) I watched my one of my favorite cutesy anime's. Full moon Wo Sageshite.
It was so cute and I cried sooo much towards the end. Then I went to my parents for dinner and listened to their nagging about job, my apartment, life and court stuff.
Before you think I am a bad seed. The court is NOT for trouble. Its to try and get a resolution to a car accident where I am the one who got rear ended and the girl is trying to claim that it is somehow my fault! Weird right??
Wednesday:
Worked a bit and got some things out of the way (mostly cleaning!!) Then went to Curves for my first workout session and training tutorial. It was not that complicated and the people were nice so I felt so much better about myself! :] Then I headed off to The School of Rock. I had guitar and vocal lessons for my Rock 101 class. I tried the power cords and got a little disgruntled at the fact that I couldn't get my fingers to move properly. (I broke my thumb in Jui Jutsu a couple years back and my knuckle is on the wrong side of my hand and the tendon is wrapped around the joint so it hurts when I move it certain ways.) After guitar I went to vocal and I tanked at Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana and I got really angry at myself and just let loose for Helter Skelter and my teacher was so impressed with me that it was the first time we didn't stop during the song to correct me and there were even people listening in on my practice in the hallway!! :DDD He then is trying to get me to start singing Brain Stew by Green Day. I am excited at learning the song.
Today:
Got up and headed over to my psychologist's office at 10. My roomie had to drive me because my car's check engine light turned on yesterday. We got there and my therapist and I went to Starbuck's and got coffee... well I got a Tazo Chai Tea Latte because I do not like their straight coffee. It is too burnt and bitter for me. (Plus I am a Carribou die hard fan.) We got home around noon and straightened up the apartment. Comcast came over around 1:30 and set up my awesome fast and new internet. Our friend Simon then came over and we hung out while my roomie went to work talking about Skyrim which will steal my life someday. I will include a picture in case you do not know what it is.
It is a truly fun game but my friend is taking the dragon language to a whole new level. He even learned it!! I then checked up on my favorite Yaoi webcomics.
Teahouse
Starfighter
I also checked on Deviantart at one of my favorite Yuri/BDSM comics.
Sunstone
Check out that link if you like BDSM and fun stories!! :]
Anyway, then my roomie came home and it snowed like a ZILLION inches. She made it home safe and we got pizza to celebrate.
Okay now to the confession time:
I have been really down and depressed lately. A mix of me hating my body and myself. I wish I could just disappear and start over somewhere else. Where no one knew me and I didn't have to hide anything about myself. I feel like I am trapped here and there is so much I want to scream to the sky; but I know I can't.
It would be so nice to finally live my dream. I want to have my own house somewhere close to the ocean. With a big old willow tree and a nice sized herb garden. A place where I could sell my herbal remedies and ointments as well as crafts, art and jewelry. A place where I could be at peace with myself and the world. I want to be surrounded by good spirits and calm. Sometimes I close my eyes and I can almost imagine it.
A place where I wouldn't do Erotic Massages, where I wouldn't deal with drama all the time, have to put a front and lie to those I love. A place where I didn't have to hide my craft, my sexuality or my love for anyone.
Next CONFESSION:
That is how I feel. :[
That about sums it up.
Well I am off for now.
xoxo til later.
Small recap:
Tuesday-- Got up a little late and had some job interviews. I joined curves. I am trying everything I can to loose the weight!! I also got my sensa in the mail. I tried it out and it seems to work. (Maybe its all in my mind) I watched my one of my favorite cutesy anime's. Full moon Wo Sageshite.
Before you think I am a bad seed. The court is NOT for trouble. Its to try and get a resolution to a car accident where I am the one who got rear ended and the girl is trying to claim that it is somehow my fault! Weird right??
Wednesday:
Worked a bit and got some things out of the way (mostly cleaning!!) Then went to Curves for my first workout session and training tutorial. It was not that complicated and the people were nice so I felt so much better about myself! :] Then I headed off to The School of Rock. I had guitar and vocal lessons for my Rock 101 class. I tried the power cords and got a little disgruntled at the fact that I couldn't get my fingers to move properly. (I broke my thumb in Jui Jutsu a couple years back and my knuckle is on the wrong side of my hand and the tendon is wrapped around the joint so it hurts when I move it certain ways.) After guitar I went to vocal and I tanked at Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana and I got really angry at myself and just let loose for Helter Skelter and my teacher was so impressed with me that it was the first time we didn't stop during the song to correct me and there were even people listening in on my practice in the hallway!! :DDD He then is trying to get me to start singing Brain Stew by Green Day. I am excited at learning the song.
Today:
Got up and headed over to my psychologist's office at 10. My roomie had to drive me because my car's check engine light turned on yesterday. We got there and my therapist and I went to Starbuck's and got coffee... well I got a Tazo Chai Tea Latte because I do not like their straight coffee. It is too burnt and bitter for me. (Plus I am a Carribou die hard fan.) We got home around noon and straightened up the apartment. Comcast came over around 1:30 and set up my awesome fast and new internet. Our friend Simon then came over and we hung out while my roomie went to work talking about Skyrim which will steal my life someday. I will include a picture in case you do not know what it is.
Teahouse
Starfighter
I also checked on Deviantart at one of my favorite Yuri/BDSM comics.
Sunstone
Check out that link if you like BDSM and fun stories!! :]
Anyway, then my roomie came home and it snowed like a ZILLION inches. She made it home safe and we got pizza to celebrate.
Okay now to the confession time:
I have been really down and depressed lately. A mix of me hating my body and myself. I wish I could just disappear and start over somewhere else. Where no one knew me and I didn't have to hide anything about myself. I feel like I am trapped here and there is so much I want to scream to the sky; but I know I can't.
A place where I wouldn't do Erotic Massages, where I wouldn't deal with drama all the time, have to put a front and lie to those I love. A place where I didn't have to hide my craft, my sexuality or my love for anyone.
Next CONFESSION:
That about sums it up.
Well I am off for now.
xoxo til later.
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